| (1 minute read) |
Question (via phone call from a principal):
Hi Devora,
You had told us that if Rivky (age 12) hits any of the school staff, we should immediately send her home, since there needs to be zero tolerance for aggression—especially because she’s mainstreamed in a general education setting and capable of self-control. This afternoon, she gave a tiny slap on her para’s hand. The para said it didn’t hurt, so she’s unsure if it “counts” as real aggression. How would you guide us?
Answer:
Yes—she needs to be sent home right away.
Here’s why:
- Nip it in the bud.
It’s almost always more effective to address a problem early, when it’s still small. Once a behavior grows into a pattern, it becomes much harder to manage. Waiting until the slap becomes harder, louder, or more painful only allows the behavior to strengthen. Early intervention sends a clear message: This behavior is not negotiable. By acting now, you prevent the bigger, more out-of-control episodes that are harder for both Rivky and the adults to manage later. - Keep your word.
When Rivky gave that tiny slap, she knew exactly what she was doing: she was testing your resolve. She wanted to see if you really meant what you said—that any form of hitting would lead to being sent home. If you let it slide, she learns that “sometimes” means “maybe not this time,” and the behavior continues. But if you follow through, even for the small slap, she learns that your boundaries are firm and consistent. That clarity actually helps her feel safer and more in control.
In short: the goal isn’t punishment—it’s credibility. When you say what you mean and you mean what you say, Rivky’s aggression is far more likely to decrease, not increase.
Have a productive and fulfilling week!
Yours,
Dr. Devora