When a toddler hurts his new baby sister

(3-minute read)

What to Do When a Toddler Hits Their Baby Sibling

In one of my recent workshops, I discussed a common challenge: when a two-and-a-half year old toddler hurts their new 4-month-old baby sibling. Managing this behavior can be tricky because the toddler is still very young and requires a great deal of compassion. However, this situation causes distress not only to the infant but also to the mother, who must cope with the baby’s crying and the toddler’s outbursts. The toddler, in turn, must deal with a stressed and overwhelmed parent. This is why implementing effective behavioral strategies is essential.

Remember the Toddler’s Perspective
Your toddler is still very young and doesn’t grasp the big picture, including the joys of being part of a growing family. From their perspective, their life has been turned upside down. The new baby has taken over their parents’ love and attention, leaving them feeling displaced. It’s no wonder they may feel jealous, angry, and frustrated. (I know you’ll say that you still love your toddler, but your toddler doesn’t see it that way.)

At the same time, this is an opportunity to help your toddler learn important social skills. Sharing space, attention, and resources with others is a lesson they’ll need throughout their life—whether it’s with a sibling, a playgroup friend, a cousin, or a classmate at school.

Strategies to Support Your Toddler

  • Validate Their Feelings. Acknowledge your toddler’s emotions by saying something like, “You don’t always like the new baby. You wish Mommy could pay attention only to you.” This helps them feel understood and shows that their feelings are okay, even if their actions need to change.
  • Provide Special One-on-One Time. Dedicate undivided attention to your toddler, especially during the baby’s naps. Special “Mommy/Daddy Time” helps reduce jealousy and meets their emotional needs.
  • Supervise and Redirect. Always supervise interactions between your toddler and the baby. If your toddler seems jealous and angry, redirect them to another activity, like playing with a toy or looking at an airplane outside. Prevention is key!

When Hitting Happens

Despite your best efforts, it’s likely that your toddler will hit the baby at some point. When this happens:

  • Stop the Behavior Immediately. Use a calm yet firm tone to say, “No hitting. Hitting hurts.” Intervene right away to protect the baby.
  • Teach Red and Green Behaviors. Create a simple “red and green” mini-book with examples of behaviors:
  • Gentle touching vs. Rough touching
  • Calm hands vs. Hitting
  • Soft voice vs. Yelling
  • Smiling vs. Angry face

Read the mini-book and practice these red and green behaviors with a doll, so that the toddler understands the expectations.

  • Praise Positive Actions. Reinforce green behavior by saying, “I love how you’re being gentle with your sister!” or “You smiled at the baby and now she’s smiling back at you!” Positive reinforcement will make your child keep doing the greens, even if only to get your praise and positive attention at this time.
  • Be Consistent. Set clear, consistent boundaries. Toddlers learn best through repetition and clear boundaries.
  • Use a Toddler-Appropriate Time-Out. If the hitting persists, try this approach:
  • Say, “No hitting. Mommy will hold your hands for 20 seconds.”
  • Gently hold their hands together in front of their body, look away to avoid giving attention, and count to 20.
  • When you let go, say, “Remember, we don’t hit the baby.”

Over time, this method becomes an effective deterrent because the

toddler doesn’t enjoy the lack of freedom and lack of attention, especially

when you’re holding his hands and not looking at him.

  • Watch for Attention-Seeking Behavior. If your toddler seems to enjoy the time-out, they might be seeking attention—even negative attention. Ensure you’re giving plenty of positive praise and one-on-one time to fulfill their need for connection.

In short…

By validating your toddler’s feelings, providing consistent supervision, teaching green behaviors, and offering generous praise and patience, you can help them manage their emotions and develop a loving bond with their sibling.

This stage is challenging, and it’ll pass. However, it’s a great opportunity to teach social skills that your child will need for the rest of his life.


Have a peaceful week!

Dr. Devora

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