(4-minute read)
Question:
Hi Devora,
Hope all’s well. I have a question regarding a 12-year-old child I’m working with and I was hoping you can point me in the right direction please. She is the 3rd of seven children, and has a sister one year older than her. Per mom, the older sister is a really good girl, very helpful, always knows what to do and say, etc.
My 12-year-old client happens to be a good student and there were no issues in school B”h. However, her behavior at home leaves much to be desired.
There was a point where she was tantrumming. We worked on appropriate communication and expressing our feelings safely and correctly, and the tantrums stopped B”h. Nowadays, there are still angry outbursts which occur whenever she doesn’t like what she’s told to do. I feel it’s a desire for
attention (she’s very needy). If she doesn’t get it in a positive way, she will be extremely chutzpa’dik (disrespectful) to her mother. I’ve given the mother different suggestions of positive things to say, such as, “I know you can make better choices,” “You’re usually so helpful,” “Maybe you’re tired and need go to sleep,” etc. (I’ve offered different suggestions based on the time of day.)
I would like to hear what you can suggest after I’ve told you what we have tried so far.
Thanking you in advance,
Still Trying
Answer:
Dear Still Trying,
Here are a couple of things to think about and some strategies to try.
Being that your client is the third child, she definitely is displaying middle-child syndrome. While ALL children in all families will benefit from “Special Mommy/Daddy Time,” a middle child will need it like oxygen to live and breathe. Also, your strategy of praising this young lady is fantastic, and mom should be remembering to praise “Six sugars to one vinegar.” In other words, for every one criticism, reminder, or prompt, she should be giving six praises, acknowledgements, and encouragements as well. Two criticisms require 12 sugars. Three prompts require 18 positive comments. You get the gist.
Another thing to consider is the concept of “distress tolerance,” which means the ability to tolerate distress in our lives. For a 12-year-old, distress means being told to wash dishes when she doesn’t feel like helping, or being told that she has to come into the house at 9:00pm despite that her neighbors and friends are still playing outside now in the summer. The reason your client is having an angry outburst “whenever she doesn’t like what she’s told to do,” is that she might not have good distress tolerance skills. The way we help kids develop good distress tolerance skills is by not saving them from their responsibilities or sparing them from the limits we set for them, despite their tantrums. It is super important to validate your client’s feelings when she gets upset, and still insist that she do what she’s told to do, and/or respect the rule or limit that was set for her. She can’t get away with things just because she threw a big fit. It’s really hard for parents to watch these tantrums and tolerate them, but it’s an important part of raising children.
In short, I wouldn’t look at her as being needy or attention-seeking; I’d see her as a child who is suffering and therefore deserves compassion. Special Mommy/Daddy Time, specific praise, and validation will be healing to her. And helping her develop distress tolerance will enable her to grow into a responsible and mature young lady who can handle life’s ups and downs.
Good luck!
Dr. Devora