(2-minute read)

The Power of Enforceables:
Teaching Responsibility Through Setting Limits
I recently evaluated a 12-year-old boy struggling with school refusal, anxiety, defiance, and chutzpah (blatant disrespect), alongside behavioral issues at home. At first, I was perplexed—he seemed like a typical, clean, articulate, put-together child, and his family appeared loving and stable. His sisters were well-behaved, attended school daily, and showed no signs of similar challenges.
However, as the conversation unfolded, his mother admitted they had been struggling with his behavior for years, describing him as “very manipulative.” She and his father shared a long list of demands their only son insisted on daily: Dad must prepare his lunch and snack, choose his clothing, put on his shoes, sit on his bed until he falls asleep, show him which product is shampoo and which is conditioner every night, style his hair, and even prepare his hot chocolate twice a day. And dad actually did it daily!!! This made me feel even more perplexed – that dad actually complied! And then it all suddenly made sense.
Hearing this, I was reminded of a transformative parenting concept I learned from Dr. Charles Fay and Jim Fay’s Love and Logic program: the power of enforceables.
What Are Enforceables?
An enforceable is something a parent can do and therefore control, whereas an unenforceable relies on the child’s cooperation. For example:
- You can’t force a child to eat (unenforceable), but you can say, “I serve dessert (enforceable) to kids who eat their dinner.”
- You can’t make a child go to bed (unenforceable), but you can say, “I will read to you for 10 minutes (enforceable) if you’re in bed by 9:00.”
By focusing on enforceables, parents shift the power dynamic, staying in control of what they can do while avoiding arguments or power struggles.
How This Applies to the 12-Year-Old
In this case, the boy’s long list of demands had conditioned his parents to cater to his every need, reinforcing a cycle of dependency and control. To help the family break free, I suggested resetting expectations with enforceables. Here are a few examples:
- “I’ll show you my chocolate recipe this evening, so you can prepare it for yourself in the future.”
- “I’m happy to sit and chat with you at bedtime for 10 minutes if you’re in bed by 9:00.”
- “I buy snacks for kids who add their choices to the shopping list by Thursday night.”
- “I’ll gladly make one of your favorite dishes for dinner as long as you eat it with the family. After dinner, you’ll need to serve the food for yourself.”
By setting limits based on what they can control, the parents shift responsibility to their son in an age-appropriate way.
Consistency is Key
Transitioning to enforceables won’t be easy. A child accustomed to controlling the situation may initially push back or tantrum. However, with consistency, enforceables teach children that their choices and behaviors have consequences—and that their parents are no longer at their beck and call.
Over time, (and this does take a bit of time until the child stops fighting the parents,) this approach fosters independence, reduces anxiety, and restores parental authority. It’s a simple yet transformative strategy that empowers both children and parents.
To those families who are having mid-winter vacation this week or the next, enjoy your break!
Dr. Devora