(3 minute read)
The ‘Popped Balloon’ Method
The following was a message I received a couple of weeks ago from an amazing and devoted mom who has invested a great deal of time, money, and energy into her young adult daughter who has some slight special needs. Although this young lady has grown by leaps and bounds in the past year, one area that didn’t seem to improve was her response to guidance and feedback. Her mom and siblings wanted her to look good, dress well, and make a positive impression, especially when she’d go to work or join a family occasion. However, instead of appreciating being told that her lipstick was smudged or that she may not have realized there was a stain on her skirt, she’d get mad at being “criticized.”
Here’s the message from mom:
“Hi. I hope you are well.
I just want to point out that one of the first goals we set for Shany (18 years old) was “accepting criticism and guidance,” but unfortunately she still struggles mightily with it.
What I find is this: She doesn’t seem to know the right response to the guidance or awareness, and as a result, she says something totally unacceptable, like “OK!!! I heard!!!!” in a very disrespectful way.
I pointed out to her that she can say something like: “Thanks for making me aware,” or even, “Let me think about this,” or, “You’re giving me something to think about,” etc.
If you feel there is anything that I need to change in how I do things, please let me know. Right now I let her get away with almost everything because I don’t want to go into the negative zone, but I wonder if it’s the way to go…
Thank you so much for taking this matter seriously.”
Mom asked me if there was something else I could try so that her daughter would learn this skill in a way that would stick.
Strategy
I invited Mom to join us for this session (with Shany’s approval) so that we could all be on the same page. We discussed Shany’s progress (as she thrives on hearing it), and then Mom explained—in Shany’s presence—her concern about Shany’s response to feedback and guidance.
I asked Shany if she knew what her mom was talking about, and she nodded in the affirmative. Mom explained that although she is grateful that Shany keeps working and improving her behaviors, when she has a harsh response to feedback, the entire relationship goes out the window. In those moments, Mom has zero patience or interest in engaging with Shany.
Shany often wonders why Mom suddenly becomes distant or takes a break in another area of the house or goes to her bedroom. I needed a way to explain this clearly.
I drew a balloon and made it progressively bigger as I talked about Shany’s positive behaviors. Then I drew a tiny needle and asked, “What would happen if I stuck this tiny needle into this big, huge balloon?”
Shany immediately said the balloon would pop.
I told her, “This is exactly what happens every time you have a rude or harsh reaction to guidance. All of your efforts at improving and growing get lost on your mom in that moment, and the balloon—the relationship—pops completely. When you wonder why your mom is distant, it’s because at that moment there’s no more balloon. There’s no desire for the relationship right then.”
We made a list of harsh responses so Shany would learn to recognize which red phrases to avoid, as well as green alternatives to say in those moments. Then we created a simple 5-step plan for what to do when she pops the balloon.
Message from Mom — 4 Days Later
“Exciting update: We’re four days in, and guess what: NO POPPED BALLOONS—and plenty of situations where it could have happened. But Baruch Hashem (Thank G-D), we’re doing amazing!
We’re all working very hard, but this seems to be a brilliant idea. Let’s hope we keep going uphill from here.
Thank you so much!”
Message from Mom — 1 Week Later
“Hi. Baruch Hashem, we did not use the popped balloons method all week. I think it’s great, and I’m really excited about it, but I’d like to suggest that you practice it with her a bit. Last week’s role-playing was very rushed due to time constraints, and I wonder if she’d know what to do if the need arises.”
Of course, in our session this week, we role-played and practiced what to do if the balloon popped.
Sometimes our teens and young adults truly want to do well, but they don’t intuitively understand how their behavior impacts others, and therefore they don’t make the cause-and-effect connection between their behavior and the other person’s reaction. A simple, concrete visual—like the “popped balloon”—can transform the entire dynamic. When we teach a skill gently, explicitly, and with clear practice steps, even long-standing patterns can shift in just days.
Happy Thanksgiving! On that note, I’d like to thank my dear colleague and partner, Devorah Esther Levovitz, who shared with me the ‘popped balloon’ idea for kids who are dishonest, and who wonder why nobody believes them.
Yours,
Dr. Devora