(3-minute read)
Teenage Manipulation: What to Do When Your Teen Says, “You Never Spend Time With Me”
Question:
“Thanks for sharing more on this topic (of teens and tweens). These are very helpful tips and can go a long way. What happens when a teenage daughter is manipulative and uses this all to manipulate the parents and then goes on to resist their directive and says, ‘You never spend time with me’…? What would you suggest?”
Answer:
Thank you for reaching out and for your thoughtful question! I’m so glad you found the blog series helpful.
Great question! And if you’re dealing with this, you are definitely not alone. This is something millions of parents around the world experience at some point. It doesn’t make it any easier, but know you’re not alone.
If I understand correctly, the concern is that by validating your teen and accepting her feelings, she might turn around and use the complaint that “you never spend time with me” as an excuse to defy you when you ask her to do something or help out at home. Is that correct?
First, Let’s Understand This
The key here is to pay attention to the behavior and to what it’s telling you — she is begging for love and connection! This is NOT manipulation in the classic sense. (Thinking your child is being manipulative can make you feel angry, but recognizing that she is seeking love and connection fosters compassion. Which mindset do you think leads to a better outcome? 
)
At the same time, she’s conflicted. On the one hand, she loves you and genuinely wants more time together. On the other hand, she’s angry because she feels deprived, so she “punishes” you by being uncooperative or defiant.
The GOOD News
She still wants to spend time with you! That is a blessing! Many teens get wrapped up in their social lives and have little interest in family time or their parents. Take it as a compliment that she craves your attention and enjoys your company.
What NOT to Do
1.Do NOT try to prove how much time you already spend together. You will never win this argument! Saying, “What do you mean?! I just took you to Florida for 5 days during midwinter vacation and then to American Dream Mall on Sunday with your friends! If you don’t call THAT spending time together, what do you think IS?? And if you can’t show any appreciation, guess where we’re going next year?? Exactly! STAYCATION!!! will only escalate things.
2. Do NOT take it personally. Almost every teen has said some version of “You never spend time with me.” It’s not an attack on you—it’s how they’re feeling in the moment.
What You CAN Do
1.Validate her feelings without feeding into the argument. Say, “It seems like you want to spend meaningful time together, and it feels to you like we never do. Is that right?” Then, collaborate: “Let’s make a list of things you’d like to do together and find times that work for both of us.”
2.Set boundaries respectfully. Say, “I love spending time with you too, AND you cannot refuse to listen just because you’re upset. If you want to spend more time together, you can ask me nicely: ‘Mom, can we find some time to hang out? I really enjoy it.’”
3. Be consistent. Don’t give in to the argument. Say, “We can absolutely spend time together, and I also expect you to follow through on what’s asked of you.”
This approach helps you stay firm while having compassion for your child’s longing to have a close relationship with you.
Have a loving and connected week!