(30-second read)
Is Our Family Normal? Are Our Children Okay?
A Social Behavior Story Especially For Parents…
We often imagine and wish that the time we spend on holidays and Yomim Tovim with our children and family will bring us nachas (pride) and joy — but oftentimes, it can be quite the opposite. A lot of ‘together time’ and a lack of structure can breed, well, um, not the nicest of behavioral moments. In fact, it can be emotionally draining for many of us. That’s the reality.
Are we normal if we feel all these feelings? Yes!
Here is a social behavior story we can read to ourselves to give us perspective. Hopefully, it’ll help us realize that WE are normal, OUR CHILDREN are normal, and that we are still “good-enough parents” despite what happens over the holiday.
(While it’s true that “normal” is relative, we sometimes compare our children to those kids in other “perfect” families — which do NOT exist.)
Are Our Children Okay?
We, Yaakov and Sarah, are blessed with seven lovely children. Chaim is 17, Sara is 15, Moshe is 14, Leah is 11, Yosef is 8, Esti is 5, and baby Tzvi is 13 months old. Sometimes they play nicely together, and oftentimes they fight amongst themselves.
Is that normal? Yes, it is okay (as long as the fighting isn’t vicious…).
Of course, we want our kids to stay up for the entire Pesach Seder. We therefore told them they should take a nap so that they’ll feel rested. Leah, Yosef, and Esti insisted they don’t need a nap and that they’ll stay up the entire night anyway.
They might stay up.
They might fall asleep at some point.
Is that okay? Yes!
They might return the afikomen before collapsing from exhaustion… or they might hide it and no one will have a clue where it is because they already fell asleep.
Is that okay? Yes! These things happen in the best of families.
On Chol Hamoed, wherever we plan to take our kids, some will be excited and others will complain that the trip is “boring!”
Is that okay? Yes!
If, by some miracle, all the kids have an awesome time until 6:00 p.m., inevitably something will go wrong on the drive home, and tantrums might erupt.
Is that okay? Yes! Despite having had a great time, they are exhausted — and their tiredness is talking.
Toward the end of Yom Tov, we will have done so much for our children, and we will expect them to show appreciation and help — especially the older ones. Some might help happily. Others might help… grumpily.
Is that okay? Yes! Some kids are like this, and some kids are like that — and that’s okay.
(Btw, despite the grumpiness, we still need to teach our children to help and contribute to the family.)
We parents will try to remember that our kids are okay, despite their sometimes (and oftentimes) challenging behavior. Our role is to gently teach, guide, and prepare them to become wholesome, competent, and productive adults.
It will probably take them their entire childhood to learn how to grow into the adults we want them to be.
Is that okay? Yes! That’s why they’re children — and not adults.
And we will try to remember that as long as we are being good-enough parents, that is good enough!
Is that okay? Yes!
Because good enough is good enough.
Have a peaceful and mindful Pesach!
Warmly,
Dr. Devora
P.S. The blog will take a break for the holiday and resume April 28th.
P.P.S. Yeah, one of the kids in the family picture above refused to pose, hence the missing child. Has it ever happened in your family, too?