(2-minute read)
Question:
Hi Devora,
I’m wondering if you can help me with my question. I attended Sarah Ward’s workshop last year and gained a lot in different areas. However, while I heard all the “Do Not’s,” I’m still at a loss when it comes to the “Do’s.” I know that lists aren’t beneficial and I understand what one can do to help or teach a child/ teenager on a daily basis, i.e. MIME it…
However, if I am working with a child only once a week, how can I teach her to remember to complete a task and break it down for herself? This child is unmotivated, tends to play the blame game frequently, and is very sensitive and immature — she often cries — and at this point, her mother has no strength left to fight her.
Do you have any suggestions? I would greatly appreciate it!
Have a great day!
Answer:
There are times when we want to teach positive Green behaviors to a child, but the Red behaviors are getting in the way. When those red behaviors are intense and disruptive, it only makes sense to address them first — otherwise, our efforts to teach the positive skills won’t land.
For example, imagine a 6-year-old who needs to learn how to make friends, initiate play, and hold conversations. But right now, she’s hitting, grabbing snacks, and pushing kids down. It wouldn’t be helpful — or even realistic — to jump into teaching friendship skills when no child feels safe around her. First, we need to reduce the aggression.
The same goes for executive functioning. If a student needs to learn how to plan, organize, break tasks down, and complete work independently, but she’s constantly blaming others, melting down, refusing help, or crying at the slightest frustration — she’s not in a place to absorb those skills yet. The emotional and behavioral foundation must come first.
So, I’d start by focusing on these red behaviors to make them green:
- Blaming others → Taking responsibility
- Crying excessively → Using feeling words
- Meltdowns → Staying composed
- “Everything is a problem” → Problem-solving
- Being uncooperative → Choosing to cooperate
Once these emotional and behavioral skills improve, you can return to your executive function goals. With better regulation and a more cooperative mindset, she’ll be far more ready to succeed — and best of all, you (and her mom) won’t be fighting with her every step of the way.
Enjoy the perfect spring weather here in NYC!